Our Last Bastion

Death came like a thief in the night ........

MIL, the remaining generational link in hubby's family, finally succumbed to the scorches of the dreaded C just as evening was about to fall yesterday. I was about to devour a noodle dish as I fumbled for my celfone seeing hubby's many missed calls. The text message delivered the bad news.It was expected but one cannot avoid feeling the pangs of emptiness gnawing deep inside stifling the pangs of hunger I felt just a few minutes ago. I hardly touched the food. After work was done, I left for home uncertain about what's to come ....

Sadness fills the air. MS hurts so badly, I wanted to take it all. In a way, it is best expressed than repressed. ED and MD seems better able to handle things. I know it will all come to pass .....

What I am afraid of is that ....... the strength of the family ties will be put to the test with the demise of MIL. Families can go astray when the elders are long gone as a new savvy generation takes over the traditions left by the old one shaking the familiar comfort of the the once closely knit family. The stronghold of the family is suddenly left to the vulnerability of the new and the practical.

But should we put to waste what this wonderful woman left with us..... I guess not .... if only to honor her memory, we will continue to remember her in traditions that will be played over and over again ... like she never left ...

Goodbye for now and see you again soon .... missing you...

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Feeling Old

I am at that point when I am beginning to feel like an adult... you see I never feel like one all this time until recently. Most of the time, I get by almost hassle-free. Someone is always taking care of things for me or things fall into place like my life follows a certain order of the universe that works its way out .... I am not saying I don't deal with problems or difficulties ... I do .... but somehow I know how to put things to a halt when I can't take it anymore and just let things be ... akin to lying on your back on water and just flow with the tide.  Sooner or later, I get a clearer perspective and the problem works its way out or would simply go  away.

Well, like any grown up, I have a family, a home, a job, friends....  like many of you.  At any point in time, I would always be dealing with issues related to any or all of these competing concerns.  There are clear set priorities and that's partly the reason how things get worked out.  There are facets of life that are simply non-negotiable and all else can be given up.

If you were to ask me what my topmost priority is.  Clearly, it's my family ........ the children in particular.  When they were small, I was very protective of my kids.  I think I have not really let go of that tendency up to now.  I need to ascertain their whereabouts all the time.  It has nothing to do with trust as they are good kids, not perfect, but I am glad I have them and I cannot ask for more.

Being with our family day in and day out makes one unmindful of the passing time.  Suddenly, the babe I used to carry in my arms is lifting me off my feet.  The kids bring out the child in me that we would often horse around.  Before I would give them a piggy ride which doesn't look feasible now as at least two of them are taller than me.  And lately, we don't horse around as much as we used to.... if at all.  The kids are so preoccupied with lots of stimulation provided by education, technology, social connection.

What more... knowledge is expanding exponentially.  Education is boosted with the aid of technology that things are happening a lot faster and at a grander scale... there is hardly time to breathe.  Kids are busier and consequently stressed out than we were in school.  What is supposed to be well-rounded education produced kids who are smarter and always lacking in time to appreciate the finer things in life.  I would feel guilty when I want to have fun with them and they can't join in because they need to study or work on a project with their classmates.  Suddenly, it's hip to be square .... Didn't we use to make fun of  'square' people ..... hmmmm

On one hand, it may be a good thing to have kids who are responsible..... More and more, the kids, the girls in particular, are being given more grown up tasks.  ED and MD help save the day for me when I can't make it to some of MS's activities.  Now I can delegate some of my responsibilities as a parent to either of my two elder girls.... like getting of the report card of MS.  As soon as she got her license, ED drives MD and MS when she is free from school.  The set-up also works to both our advantage.  I've been loving being free from driving duties while ED gets to hone her driving skills.  I bet she is still excited learning this new skill like I was as a new driver.

At home, MD gets the bigger pie of the responsibilities because she is better than her elder sibling in doing chores and even working on some of my business activities.  So she gets most of these tasks.  Oftentimes, ED and MD would work together on some of the tasks I assign to either of them.

What about youngest, MS?  To his credit, he has become more independent as far as school work is concerned.  He can be relied on some small tasks.  Like this summer when one of our helpers was on vacation, he readily washed the dishes when I told him to help out.  He doesn't want polishing the stairs anymore but prefer other tasks.  He also helped out in weeding the garden when I asked him to.  Well, not much is really expected from him but I am thankful enough when he helps out.

With all these developments, I should be pleased.  I am... Isn't it every parent dream to make their children the unique, functional, and responsible individuals that they are supposed to be?  I am also thankful for the free time I have in my hands I can use for myself or to be with friends or pursue other interests ... something that I can't easily do in the not so distant past.  Lesser stress comes with lesser responsibilities, too... I used to savor the idea of having grown-up kids who can take care of themselves... Yet just as this is happening, I sometimes find myself thinking that soon they won't need me anymore.  Then maybe, life would cease to be as colorful as it used to be when there were lots of frustrations, worrying, arguing, screaming, tugging, juggling  ......

Maybe, the time has come ...........  for me to pull over and watch from the sidelines ... how my kids have grown to face and take on their own horizons ..... and probably MS's worst fear would soon be a reality ....

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Switching Off for Earth Hour 2011

What will you do tomorrow evening? ..... any thoughts?

We're One 

For the past three years, our family have been participating in the Earth Hour .

Earth Hour is a global event organized by WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature, also known as World Wildlife Fund) and is held on the last Saturday of March annually, asking households and businesses to turn off their non-essential lights and other electrical appliances for one hour to raise awareness towards the need to take action on climate change. Earth Hour was conceived by WWF and The Sydney Morning Herald in 2007, when 2.2 million residents of Sydney participated by turning off all non-essential lights. Following Sydney's lead, many other cities around the world adopted the event in 2008. Earth Hour 2011 will take place on March 26, 2011 from 8:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., at participants' respective local time.

I am not really sure if we are contributing well to the global effort.  On our initial attempt, one of my kids was uncooperative and was challenging my patience.  That time, MS and I made a bonfire.  The flames served as a nice backdrop as MS listened intently why we need to do something about the environment.

On the second year, there was differences in opinion in the planned activities.  MS wanted so much to replicate the bonfire but MD was against it saying it is bad for the environment....  and she's right.  I was caught in a dilemma.  But MS's soulful eyes glimmering in the darkness was just what I needed to proceed with the original plan.... and MD was reprimanding us .... and like little kids caught with their fingers in the cookie jar, MS and I felt a little guilty but enjoyed the moment.  Hubby and MD were together in the second floor balcony looking who were with us and who were not ...... We made the fire bigger as the helpers, MS, and I gathered dried leaves, branches to burn... MS was amused but MD was not very pleased.  ED was not with us but was in her dorm for some school activity.  She told us, she and her dormates switched off.

This year, it would most likely be a repeat of the past two years.  I guess MS and I would be getting it from MD again, maybe from ED too....  What more, we'd be participating in the comfort and serenity of my newly renovated sanctuary.  The new environment would make staying out more worthwhile....  and everyone goes out on Earth Hour... because there literally nothing to do inside the house... unless one prefers to sleep sweltering in the summer heat.

Our family will once again make history on Earth Hour tomorrow.  The bigger challenge is to make the intent of the effort a part of our daily habit.  Switch off when electricity is unnecessary.  Limit wastage of things we use and consume.  Avoid buying for the sake of buying.... and indulge in the 3R's....

The one hour break may even give the family the much needed time to bond.... because the world has become estranged with all of  life's modern trappings.  Even family members become strangers as communication is lost with so many things taking time off our hands .... Make the Earth Hour work for mankind and for your family .... it takes only 60 minutes to make all the difference....

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Swirly July

It was a happy month marked with a number of celebrations starting with the birthday of ED. My girl is on the throes of womanhood but is still very much my child. As in the past, birthdays are celebrated by sharing a modest banquet in the choice resto of the celebrant... Tradition was still observed with some minor adjustment. School work prevented us from celebrating her birthday on the actual day and it had to happen some other day .....

After a few days, MD and I were off to the Golden Wedding Anniversary of the parents of a dear friend.  She and a sibling who are based abroad weren't able to go home for this special occasion. They planned this surprised bash for their parents who didn't want a celebration if the family is not complete.  The guests including us were already in the venue and were getting instructions from the children of the celebrants who have become friends through the years.  We used to hang out in their place because of its proximity to our school and because of Nanay's superb culinary skills  ...... I just love eating in their place which is so homey .... Tatay, Nanay and my friend's siblings have been like family to me and our other friends who frequented their old place  ....  This is one important occasion I wouldn't miss ....

This lovely couple takes pride in their great sacrifice to bring up their family despite their modest means.  Tatay was practically overseas all the time while Nanay performed the dual role of father and mother to my friend and her siblings.  Tears of joy were shed as the celebration progressed....  their children talked about the challenging times ... I felt a deep sense of joy inside me as I celebrated with them their long years of married life and secretly yearn for something amiss .......

One of the highlights of the month was watching the musical, Cats, with ED and MD, and some friends. Tickets were bought months ago. We always look forward to watching musicals as as a deviation from our daily grind. Watching Lea Salonga performing the classic, Memory, was the highlight of the show. Her 15 minute or so appearance was worth all the hard-earned money we paid for the show. The rest of the cast gave a rousing performance... made me regret missing Miss Saigon during its Manila run ....

On July 13, Typhoon Basyang which unexpectedly turned into a howler as it changed course made most people in Metro Manila and neighboring towns miss sleep as its killer winds tore rooftops, toppled trees and lampposts... I was one of those who missed a lot of winks fearing my glass door would be shattered as gusty winds kept slamming it. Electricity was cut for about four days in our place. A fuming President Aquino fired the Pag-asa chief in the aftermath of the storm for the agency's failure to accurately predict the typhoon's path. The government said that there was not much damage considering the strength of the storm. Oh yeah .... what about collateral damage... For one, hubby and I failed to report to work two days after the storm came to pass as we run out of water. We had to give way to the kids who were going to school.  There was no source as electricity needed to draw water was cut. I had to send a SOS to my friend V... who was out of the country so that hubby and I could take a bath and fill up some water container with the suddenly precious commodity. Electricity was restored in her place almost immediately...

One of the worst consequences for us was the death of many of our full grown kois. Suddenly, our koi pond looks so ghastly as it reeks of the stench of death. I didn't want to look at it anymore ..... Our flower horn showed signs of distress after 3 days without oxygen. We had to buy battery-operated pumps to save him and the remaining kois. A few hours after we made the purchase, electricity was restored in our place. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief as we started getting back on track ...

The last day of the month was marked with another celebration as MD, MS, and I attended a debutante ball in one of the hotels in the Metro ...  It was the birthday of the eldest daughter of a friend.  We used to be colleagues at work and we've seen each other through various phases of life .... from our swinging single selves to being wives and to being moms .... We have celebrated important occasions in our lives... birthdays, weddings, baptisms, anniversaries and spent holidays with our families together.  But when our careers took different directions, these gatherings became rare.  We would still spend important occasions but mostly without the kids.  I saw the debutante as a shy kid who was always clinging to her mom, my friend.  Now, I see a young lovely lady about to conquer the world .... It was a lovely party but more importantly, it was good to bond with old friends who still gives me the comforting feeling of the familiar ....

and July with all its swirls and thrills came and was gone like a thief in the night  ...........

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My Life's Journey So Far ....

Today is a most special day for me as I came to this world wiggling out and screaming from the safety of my mom's womb more than twenty years ago ..... a lot more actually .... a whole lot more .... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)

Life's not perfect but not without its moments. I feel lucky at times and a total failure some other time. I had days when I shed buckets of tears but those cannot eclipse the days when my heart was drowning in joy. There were times of plenty and more times that I had to deal with want. People come and go in this life but I have accepted that this happen for a reason. I can take the fact that in the end only those who accept you for what you are, remain when the light dims and everything's been taken ......

With all the ironies that life presents, I cannot ask for more. There still a long road to travel.... some parts may be paved but some will be littered with potholes and dirt ... the stuff that makes the journey all the more challenging and interesting ....

To my loved ones and friends, thank you for loving me despite my flaws ..... and if you're still there, thank you for bearing with my foul moods, inconsistencies, selfishness, and a lot more things I don't like about myself, all this time... If some of you are gone by now, thanks for the time that you've given me and the life's lessons you've left me ..... To all those who are yet to become part of my life, I wish you luck as I look forward to meeting you sometime ....

To myself, learn to let go, forgive, and forget..... as the years roll by, learn to take things in stride and take it easy.... live in moderation ...... and maybe take the road less traveled sometimes ....

It's been one heck of a trip.... I still don't know where life will take me but the journey goes on ..........

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Moments

Moments is a segment I'd be starting soon in my blog where I'd be writing only parts and parcel of life as it comes.... I'm still doing an internal brainstorming on how this segment is going to take shape but what I'm sure of is it will not as revealing as my past journal. Instead, a glimpse will give the whole picture of events that I want to remember or be remembered with......

I have been so very delinquent and probably dispassionate about writing the past few months. I hope to rekindle my inner flame with this new segment. I wish myself luck and I need a lot of prodding too from friends and those of you who visited this humble home of mine. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Your constant visit and kind words are truly inspiring to this eternal seeker :)

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Looking Back

I'd like to look back and relive the moments of the year that passed. This blog is on its third year and has been my springboard since I decided to share parts of life .... Let go back as I share my favorite Lifescape posts ....

June 28 - July 4, 2010: Celebrations: My last post for this section which documents the many affairs I attended that memorable week... from send-off, birthdays, anniversaries ...... Incidentally, this is the second time I would be using this title for a post in this section .....
July 21 - 27, 2010: Gutted: V.........'s plant burned to the ground which could alter her plan and I am saddened by the prospects of having another friend leaving me ....
June 14 - 20, 2010: Letting Go: My eldest daughter and I reconciled after a heated argument the previous week. In the weekend, we had to let go one of our helpers .....
May 31 - June 6, 2010: The Dreaded C: The big C is hitting so close to home and I have some apprehension .... Stressed out and frustrated, I quit manning chores at the music site. With no responsibilities at the site, I had a relaxing weekend going to the spa and watching movie with my second daughter.
May 24 - 30, 2010: Summer Rain: I started the week meeting up with a former HS teacher and ended it standing as a godmother for the newly-born of a colleague friend. I also made sure that Mang Boy, my iron work contractor gets the bird he ordered from us and had hubby made the arrangement that Sunday. We went out shopping with the kid for school stuff after settling everything .....
May 17 - 23, 2010: Take Time to Stop and Smell the Flowers: I had a new-found respect for a government agency I loathe going to in the past. My weekend was cramped as I pooled errands that Sunday. Even so, I managed to meet up with the parents of a child with ADHD who requested to meet me after reading my blog. I was glad I did as I felt light after my sharing with them.
May 10 - 16, 2010: We Made History: We participated in the first ever automated election. This is a memorable week for my eldest daughter who is a first time voter. Despite the long wait during the electoral process, the quick results more than made up for the lapses in that election. The results, though, is something else and we may have to grind our teeth again seeing a bunch of clueless clowns in our august chamber.
May 3 - 9, 2010: A Lesson or Two: The post deals with the essence of failures and why they have to happen in life.
April 12 - 18, 2010: Coming to a Head: This week I could feel the pressures put on me by the demands of the music site we set up. My old boss would return to the office which is making me uneasy.
April 5 - 11, 2010: Breakaway: My old and reliable helper took her vacation the very first day of the week as we were just adjusting to the new helpers. This would turn out to be one exciting week as my friends and I would bolt out of the old music site we hang out in when we could no longer bear too much restriction in the site. Immediately after, we set up our own site unsure what we got ourselves into. Like kids, we would get all hung-up with this new site.
March 29 - April 4, 2010: Battle of the Sexes: It was the Holy Week.  Just as we're gearing up for vacation, I was concerned about the coming vacation of my main helper, Kakay. Without much options, I was forced to accept a gay helper into our household to the consternation of hubby. The religious group in the village asked me if our home could be one of the stations during their traditional Station of the Cross on Holy Thursday. Bored by the long, holiday, my girls and I hied off with V........ to nearby Tagaytay.
March 22 - 28, 2010: Life's Two Faces: It's graduation time for most families and we my second daughter is also graduating. In the excitement of preparing for my daughter's graduation, my eldest daughter would tell me she sprained her foot. Despite this, the whole family attended my daughter's graduation.
March 15 - 22: Bruised: There was a sudden change of leadership in our Department which created a buzz early this week. Our pet helper quit unceremoniously and we were actually relieved. The very same day, we found a replacement. I grazed a parked car as I was making a turn at a road's bend while out on a weekend errand. By the end of the week, I discovered an ugly bruised on my upper left arm which I have no idea how I got. I would have a bit of explaining to do as it sure looks like telltale signs of a battered woman .....
March 8 - 14, 2010: Trouble in Paradise: Just when I wanted normalcy, I would have to deal with a problem with our then pet helper. By midweek, I had a private talk with him and later on hubby and I would be discussing the possibility of replacing him. While relaxing in the weekend, a friend would engage me in confide in me the state of her affairs. By simply listening to her, I would have the most stimulating conversation.
March 1 - 7, 2010: Damage Control: A short post about self-correction after being remiss for a long while. I carried my self-reflection until the end of the week walking beneath the starry skies. Home provided me refuge from whatever ails me ......
February 22 - 28, 2010: Coming to Terms: A trusted service provider is back to working on my home..... except this time he's got the dreaded C... I couldn't help but feel for him as he deals with it on his own terms. Meantime, I have to deal with my own reality, not as tough as his, but daunting enough to rouse me out of my lethargy.....
January 25 - 31, 2010: All Within the Family: After a long while, my friend V..... is coming home. There's some sort of irony in this homecoming because my joy might be bringing loneliness from V.... and the family she left again. In the weekend, we would have our much missed family reunion after recent events caused our family to drift apart..... In an important weekend, our water pump would break down and we are in deep shit .....
January 18 - 24, 2010: Strange Cravings: After some months of improper eating habits, I would lose so much weight that it has become noticeable. Lately, I have been indulging in strange cravings that would border on the bad and unhealthy ..... but that is me. As the week draws to a close, a speech I wrote seemed to have been ignored by my boss after I turned it over to her. More than bashing my work, the worst thing a boss can do is to not ay anything about my work .............
January 11 - 17, 2010: The New Becomes Old: This is a post I love reading over and over again because I was able to draw into my consciousness the exact emotional state I was that week. Just coming out of new year's festivities, I and maybe most of us were getting used to the new year and at the same time i was trying to shake off my lethargy ..... Some family issues cropped up too and old wounds reopened ......
December 28, 2009 - January 3, 2010: A Toast to a Brand New Year: An eventful week even if my lazy bones complained about getting to work at the start of the week. Like in previous years, we toast to a brand new year with our neighbors as soon as midnight stroke .....I think I mended fences with a bitter foe .... The week was capped with a luxurious day at the spa by MIL, MD, and myself .......
December 21 - 27, 2009: It's Christmas Time: The week of Christmas saw our family attending gatherings to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with families and friends .....
December 14 - 20, 2009: Celebrations: The busiest week is the week just before Christmas. MY son's birthday lies smack into this week. Skeds can get crazy with so many parties to attend. In the weekend, we are going to have our Christmas party in the condo of our school owner. Hershey would somehow manage to steal the show from me by whelping just I was about to go to the party .......
November 30 - December 6, 2010: Joy Ride: A week of contrast starting with a joy ride to Subic and ending with a electrical problem that cut short my bliss .......
November 23 - 29, 2009: When Hell Broke Loose: A dark day in Philippine history when the ugly side of politics reared its ugly head. This post is dedicated to the the Maguindanao massacre victims.
November 16 - 22, 2009: Haunted by My Ghosts: I had been meaning to visit my parents in their resting place but postponed it until my brother and his family who just arrived from a long trip can go with us. The delay somehow made me equate eerie occurrences with being gently reminded of my lapse. When we finally was able to set the long-overdue trip to the cemetery, so much more was in store for us .......
November 9 - 15, 2010: And the Winner is ........... : A typical day when Manny Pacquiao would have a fight. People stay at home to watch the fight. This gave MD, V......, and I the perfect opportunity to shop at bargain haven, Divisoria....
November 2 - 8, 2009: Same Old Routine, Some New Twists: A week devoted to bargain hunting from selers of pre-loved items. I got to know an amazing lady in one of my errands this week....
October 19 - 25, 2009: Drifting: My birthday falls on this week. I decided to give myself a treat. Inspite of this, the day just didn't seem so special ......... Later in the week, I had a late celbration with my friend V.....
October 12 - 18, 2010: In Heat: My bitches are in heat this week and my sires are going crazy. My brother has to make an important decision this week......
October 5 - 11, 2009: Testy: Reeling from the onslaught of a major disaster, people tried to get back on their feet as some disappointing discoveries are unraveled....
September 28 - October 4, 2009: Aftermath of the Perfect Flood: We have just been through a calamity of major proportion. It brought the best and the worst in people. In other parts of the globe, disasters are happening left and right. I can't help but think if this is apocalypse as we gear for another super typhoon .....
September 21 - 27, 2009: Leak on My Window: What must have been the biggest typhoon in recent times came and we weren't even aware how devastating it was until I received a text message from a former colleague asking to be rescued. The sudden awareness jerked me and my entire family from our inertia. Suddenly, we were calling relatives and friends to find out how they are. Like the others, I suffered damages in our home. But unlike in the past, I am thankful for the damages we sustained from the typhoon. We can still do something about it while others lost everything ..... The tragedy reopened my eyes to what is essential ...
August 31 - September 6, 2009: True Colors: This week I would uncover the real person behind a superior in the office and a neighbor I consider a friend to my chagrin. I would regret laying a hand on my son and make conciliatory amends for that later.
August 17 - 23, 2009: Stop Sweating the Small Stuff: A gentle reminder to me not to over-stress myself about the trivial.... especially with what I would face this week. I'll be hiring a new helper out of compassion rather than qualifications. Another family would be tear apart and it would be so close to home. My son would be spending a night away from home for the very first time and I am worried sick and at the same time I would miss him.....
August 3 - 10, 2009: Making History: Despite a domestic problem, my kids and I were able to pay respects to President Cory on her funeral. My eldest daughter witnessed the event along Roxas Boulevard earlier in the morning. The cortege reached Sucat Road where we are stationed early evening. Tita Cory will be laid to rest in nearby Manila Memorial Park.... That pretty much was the story that made every major daily and news mag that week ....
July 27 - August 2, 2009: Snippets of Life in Two Nations: A friend and a family member would have a taste of the scourge of recession in the land of milk and honey. Back home, we would mourn the passing of an icon of democracy .....
July 13 - 19, 2009: Unconquerable Soul: I am reminded of a poem my classmates and I memorized in HS as a requirement for our English class. Back then, I simply mouthed the words without understanding it. But now, it takes on a special meaning as I am dealt with life's blows .....
June 29 - July 5, 2009: Undesirable Outcomes: My first post for this category and the week would turn out not too good. What was supposed to be a happy celebration turned ugly. I am still bugged by office politics. To top it all, I would not doing work I love doing for about 14 weeks .....

And that's how it was for me the past year ....

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