Absentee Parent

This post is delayed as this could have better been published during Mother's day or more recently Father's Day. The title may elicit some adverse reaction but hopefully awaken the senses of our dear parents who may be unmindfully neglecting their parental role. I specially dedicate this post to a couple of dear friends who are in a difficult situation right now.

Absentee? One might be tempted to ask if these parents are overseas. Physical absence is readily assumed when we speak about being an absentee parent. The separation from a beloved parent easily put a toll in the well-being of family members left whether this be the spouse or the children. Even assuming that the choice to leave is a consensual decision, the impact of physical absence on loved ones varies depending on the maturity, attitude, and the strength of character of the family members. Movies like "Caregiver" and "Anak" showed us a glimpse of what a family particularly the children goes through everytime a parent leaves for another country. In reel and real life, so many children have gone astray when a parent leaves.

Parents are supposed to be the main casts in a child's life in their growing up years. Societies like ours even extends parental responsibilities way beyond the child's legal age going to their adulthood. Children in their rebellious years may resent parental guidance. Such children breeze past that ugly stage and learn to appreciate the parents who stood pat fighting back their rebellion and bringing back their senses in due time. These children will be the future parents who will learn from their own parents the kind of parenting that they will later use for their own children. Doesn't that scare the hell out of us parents! We are actually the building block of the future generation literally and figuratively.

In the past, it might be easy because there are traditional roles. A father goes out to work and the mother stays home to care for the family. Over the years, there have been various role reversals. With the advancement of civilization, the woman's role is longer confined to the home as they begin going out of their narrow world to fulfill their dreams. Families today are often two-income households resulting in family time stretched too thinly to bond together. Crass materialism, raw ambition, and hunger for power have been used as justification for the time spent by overworked parents away from their families. Stressed out, they can even take it on their kids or spouse to express their disappointments. Suddenly,priorities have changed and the family becomes just incidentals to career. The trade offs are numerous......... better lifestyle for the family. BUT AT WHAT COST?

Often, mothers carry the double burden of keeping their home while at the same maintaining careers. Today's fast paced world has not eradicated double standards. Women are expected to contribute to the family coffers while keeping their household well-functioning. Women remain to be the emotional stronghold that are primarily blamed if the family falls apart.....because women are supposed to give up everything for the family. A sad fact.

And fathers are only secondarily responsible for domestic bliss. There are fathers who think their responsibility ends when they have provided the material needs of their family. They expect that domestic matters including children are taken cared of by mothers. Even when the mother is the breadwinner, a chauvinistic society encourages man into thinking that they are less of a man when tasked with domestic responsibilities. Sadly, this observation is closer to home.

As seen among families I interact with, such fathers are withdrawn from familial ties, indifferent if not insensitive to the emotional needs of the family, and often couldn't handle the maintainance of the family when left on their own. While they may keep an appearance of toughness and coolness under pressure, underneath they might just explode under such situation. Confronted with the issue of career or even friends over their family, I often wonder what their choice would be. There are even fathers who have not grown up and like to think of themselves as the eternal social being who need their peers and friends to validate themselves and keep their Friday nights preoccupied. Peer pressure is a much greater force to reckon with and they would rather stay with their friends than enjoy the familiar comfort of home life. Whether they are bored or out to prove themselves is something I am still trying to figure out.

There are also fathers who are bereft of ambition and can't seem to rise above their limitations and are contented with accepting themselves as they are. Their spouses become the main and possibly sole support system to whom the whole family is grounded on. This could proved to be too gargantuan a task for mothers who would have to ensure that both emotional and material needs of the family are fulfilled. It would be good if these fathers could at least take care of the domestic concerns. But many times, chauvinism prevails along with the many baggages of fathers with low self esteem.

Generally speaking, mothers are frequently more prepared to take on the demands of family life even while juggling a career. They have clearly set their priorities and have the uncanny ability to manage their time among the competing concerns of home and work. With a clear priority, everything falls into place. This is not to uphold mothers as I know there are also errant ones among us.

This differences between fathers and mothers in raising a family lead to deep conflicts affecting the children. Often, we parents dismiss the emotional trauma of a family in conflict in children. In reality, these children are scarred for life. With my friend's permission, allow me to share part of a letter of the son of my friend to the father confiding that even as a child he has been hurting because of his father's neglegence of his responsibility to their mother and by default to them, the children. "................You don’t have to go arguing all the time........THE BEST RELATIONSHIP IS WHEN THE TWO SIDES ARE LISTENING TO EACH OTHER AND ADMITTING THEIR OWN MISTAKES. Daddy, I guess mommy just wants you to admit the stuffs you lack and done wrong and to show that you’re sorry and WILLING TO CHANGE everything.You have been a Good Father to all three of us but I believe you are worth more. All I’m asking from you is a change of HEART. This might be something new to you, but I have been observing you eversince when I was in grade school. To tell you the truth, I hate it na you were a heavy drinker and smoker, I hate it everytime you come home late, I hate it na napakairresponsible mo when it comes to stuffs, I hate it when you and mommy fight, I hate it na you have relax too much, I hate it when you don’t call mommy. Sorry tlga. I just have to say it to let you know na hnd lang si mommy ang nakakaramdam nun. I HAVE BEEN OBSERVING............ Sad to say but I really am so disappointed after all these years........."

I shed some tears reading this. I or my husband would likely be as guilty as my friend and her husband. It never sunk in me that the children already know what is going on at a tender age. I have always thought I can shield them from the pain by keeping quiet and not discussing adult matters in their presence. I was wrong.

Which leads me back to the notion of an absentee parent...... A parent maybe absent even if he or she is at home with the family by neglecting his/her duties, through the emotional abuse he/she inflicts on family members; by his/her failure to accept responsibility, by his/her insentivity. The strain may be too much for children who have not yet develop emotional and mental capacity for dealing with pain.

There is hope though... as my friend's son in parts of his letter had words of encouragement and optimism for his dad to change fo the better. "........ But I believe you can change. I believe you are a good man inside. Kaya ka nga pinakasalan ni mommy dahil may nakita sya sayu. I believe in you since you are my father. I believe you are a great man destined by GOD to do good. Kaya I’m proud to be your son. All I’m asking is a total change, a 180 degree shift, from your present status to a different person. Be a Man who is after God’s Heart! Be the man who God said in his word is the head of the house. The Man who is looked upon by his household and the generations after him. Be an example to your family and the rest of the world, so that people could see how great is our LORD............... All I want is a new you! Please I beg of you to change your perspective in life, your motive in life, to remove all the earthly pleasures and concentrate on GOD, to be a hard-working man to provide for his family, to be responsible to all things given, to be open-minded to all suggestions, to admit your mistakes and your short-comings, to ask GOD for favor and wisdom, to call Mommy na and show her your LOVE, to be a risk taker!, to do work to perfection, to stop being so hard-headed, to budget everything, to trust in the LORD than MONEY, and finally, to ask for forgiveness to both mommy and the LORD......................Daddy, I love you and mommy so much. I don’t want anything to happen to both of you. You have been a blessing to our lives. .............Daddy, I, your son, is asking you just a small favor. ...................But instead of blaming, find the solution immediately. ...........!I believe God wants to say to you that, “Son, Come back to me. It is only through me where you can relax and have rest. Do not fall to earthly pleasures but instead the wealth that is in Heaven.” I pray that God would bless you with dreams and visions. You are a Man of GOD! And I am blessed to be your Son.With everything I said, please take everything seriously. I know this might not be an ideal present, but I wish you a HAPPY FATHER’S DAY."

I hope this reawakens our senses as the persons given the big responsibility to uphold our families. Let's stop torturing our children with our conflicts. Let's stop pretending they are not listening and do not care. Let's not be the absentee parent and start really being there for them.

Finally, my friend's son left the following note for his beloved Dad...............MY MOTTO in LIFE: “ Think. Act. CHANGE.” I hope you could do the same. Daddy, look at the bigger Picture!"

I couldn't agree more.

Note to my amiga, dayap, you know who you are......... hold on. So life's been throwing some mighty, swiffy, juicy lemons at you. You know the drill. Put on your best smile and start working on your next concoction. Life's better lived doing something worthwhile till everything comes to pass.