Trying May

After the ups and downs of the early months felt like mood swings of a woman having mid-life crisis, here comes May with all its weight ....

For one, the boss is up on her toes again, edgy and all-excited about a new foolproof plan. This time, she managed to get the bureaucratic machinery which we shall call the Chummy Cohorts in Fact or the CCF on her side as she wittingly devise ways to get back at me. The CCF appears bent on prosecuting me for the crimes imagined and concocted by her. Not surprisingly, she has the ability to manipulate this body of supposedly disinterested parties in the case, and likewise believe that her true intentions can be hidden through bureaucratic machinations... I had to fight back... It's been one long paper trail and frankly I have had enough of her shenanigans ... this couldn't be like this for long ....


First, I got an invitation to a day in a kangaroo court. Through that invitation, I got to know who heads the CCF and it's no surprise it's one of the friendly forces of RB. Later, I would get to know the other members. Giving one or two of the members the benefit of the doubt, I'd say the rest are fine..... except that they would in all likelihood not offer a differing view knowing who I was up against and who heads their body. It gets better if this case progresses.... because if the CCF finds merit in the boss's accusations against me, the case will be elevated to the CIF or what we shall call the Comrades in Fact. Guess who is in this body.... wink, wink ** (clue: he is one of the new outside additions to the Kingdom)

 On my part, I tried to expose the real intention of that body by questioning their real motive. I tried to use moral suasion and objectivity in asking the friend of the boss to give up her position if indeed she has no interest in this case. But luck was not to be on my side as callousness rules. Later her nifty pañero in the CCF will try to impress to the other members how I distrust the body.... when all I wanted was for the head, an ally of the boss, to inhibit herself for the sake of delicadeza.

 As expected, all of the kingdom's loyal subjects were asked to put up their production number in front of the CCF in a number of inquisitions. There were blood, sweat, and tears (no credit to the 80s band) shed but these are mostly crocodile tears. I still wonder what all the fuss was about when her subjects and I hardly interacted at work and at play. I would get about two more invitations to this charade.

 I decided bring up the matter to the attention of the top bosses who in this instance would see no evil in this set-up even as they were sympathetic. haaaay.......

And so I thought about it long and hard ..... and if they want to play hard ball, let's play hard ball but in my own terms.....

 

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April Showers

I consider this a month full of blessings for so many reasons ...........

The dogs gave me litters of puppies. Six of our dams gave birth and our hands were full attending to the fur mums and their litters but nobody is

complaining. Ever since we discovered the joy of living with other living creatures, our home was virtually turned into a miniature pet haven. Sure, there were noises, even some noises during unholy hour and small inconvenience when we have friends and guest coming over. I am not sure if some of them get turned off because of our living arrangements. One time, a friend said, the house smells of dogs.... We must have been immuned to the smell that we don't smell the doggie fragrance... We try to keep our surroundings clean and aerated but there would be days when the dogs, being dogs, would smell like one. We don't mind those days but perhaps it's a turn off for some ... we have probably assimilated living with the dogs ... so don't expect changes just because we can't suit your nasal standards ... On the other hand, our dogs help us realize that the best things in life are free.... which is probably just what some people I know, need .... hmmm .... There have been studies about how pets relieve life's stresses... it comes as no surprise that happy and easy people are pet lovers.

It is also summer vacation time for the kids. In all likelihood, they would be vegging out, pigging out, and social networking all the time. I hope not...

Surprise of all surprises, MS didn't have to go to summer class.... this after he was failing in the third quarter.... His adviser informed us about what is becoming imminent in the PTA for the third quarter and we just accepted with resignation my son's fate of going to summer class. When we asked him and attributed his dismal school performance to time spent playing computer games and not studying, he turned the table around and took us to task telling us we are never around for him.... that got us guilt-stricken for days and I had to take action fast. Hubby and I agreed to get a tutor for my son even if the outcome is uncertain with very little time left. By some twist of fate, I dug from the deep recesses of my mind that my neighbor's fiance is a math teacher in high school.... halleluyah!!! I knew this all the time and the need for a tutor for my son never emerged until now .... Immediately, I took steps to talk to my neighbor and later to her fiance..... and suddenly MS has a tutor.... With just a bit of luck, he likes his tutor who bears a striking resemblance to both his former adviser whom he likes and respects and an uncle whom he adores. Even the demeanor of the tutor has an uncanny similarity to his former adviser and uncle .... There are some guilty feelings making an arrangement for MS that makes it convenient for hubby and I to dispense with our parental duty... but it is the best that we can do under the circumstances.

Hounded by thoughts of bearing the hot summer sun trekking to school and not having a summer vacation, MS took his tutoring sessions seriously. The results were immediately felt. MS no longer was the cranky, frustrated teen who hated math. He was, in fact, coping well.... so well, that we were in disbelief when he told us that he was exempted from taking the last major exam. We didn't want to hurt his feelings but we wanted to make sure he got it right. I told him to ask his adviser to clarify if his exemption from the exam means that he passed the subject.... My thought was that the exam was immaterial because he failed the subject... Aside from him asking, I sent a text message to his resource teacher who also is not aware of his status. When MS came back with his adviser's reply, he was sure he is exempted from taking the exam.... my only worry is that it could have meant failure... my doubt was somehow erased by the fact that his adviser or teachers never advised us to prepare for summer class even during the last day of class which I attended.... he must have passed ... I hope ....

It was a workday when MS's report card was to be released and I had to ask ED to take over the role of guardian to be able to get MS's card. I can't get my mind off it even while I was in the office and I had to text ED for MS's grade in math. She confirmed that MS passed ..... a whooping 9 percentile point leap from his previous failing mark ....... and I felt proud like never before ... ED and MD might get mad at me for this ..... but the feeling is even far exhilarating than going up the stage to receive honors for my two girls.... something tells me that MS can accomplish greater feat if he puts his mind and heart into something.

What could get better than this...... I am out of the firing range in the kingdom .... little furry bundles of joys are a source of delight at home..... MS came bouncing back with a vengeance ..... these showers of blessing paint a beautiful rainbow of colors against the sunny bright skies .....

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She Came Marching In in March

Oh, when the saints go marching in
Oh, when the saints go marching in
Lord, how I want to be in that number
When the saints go marching in

This is actually an apocalyptic song that sounds just right this month when she came marching in with so much funfare as usual .... a shower of confetti and a band could have made her entry more spectacular.

This post could very well be entitled the Comeback.... but I settled on this title as it sounds cool ....... She came marching in not exactly with the band but with creating noise just the same .... as her royal loyal guards announced her return, I instantly felt relieved that I'm finally out of the Lioness's den....

After much ado about her comeback, she's finally back ... There was so much speculation before she finally came back... At times, she wanted to appear mysterious and made anyone guess when exactly she is coming back... There were telltale signs and there were obvious signs ... Frankly, I didn't give a damn. I just wanted my life back and moreover I want out of that office pronto as what was promised me ... but you know how we all should deal with bureaucracy to maintain order in our lives... so I still must.... one more time....

Her coming back is both a boon and a bane .... It's a good thing because we all can lead normal lives (as it is in this office) again. What about her? You think the vacation could have changed her ... a bit ..... fat chance... I often wonder why there is so much anger in her .... why she isn't just content about making people's lives miserable.... that she need to vent her destructive ways to make sure that anyone who crosses her is beaten to a pulp ... you know how a bully gets satisfaction from seeing his victim down and out and shamed ..... I think I am one of the fortunate ones she couldn't really pin down...... to her chagrin .....

Anger is the most impotent of passions. It effects nothing it goes about, and hurts the one who is possessed by it more than the one against whom it is directed. Carl Sandburg

But I think she came with vengeance in mind .... just like old times.... There were no usual turnover rites when I handed her back the reins of leadership of this office. Instead, she sent out a very impersonal email to make her presence felt outlining the tasks to be done... There was one email she sent to some of the people I worked with announcing that she is back and that I will effectively become the support staff of a major task that I handled.... talk about flexing muscles.... i'm ... oh ... so moved .... She would even let me hear her conversation with other people I dealt with telling them that she is now the boss, dismissimg my role while she was on leave, like anything that has to do with me be forgotten quickly .... I don't know what her problem is seeing the office still intact ... and this is what I get for allowing her the luxury of taking a medical leave.... whoa

I don't have very good memories of being in this office all these years. I was lucky that the periods that she and I were actually together are shorter than the times we existed together without care about each other's concerns. Either she or I was assigned somewhere or on some projects emanating from other offices. There was a time she was away for a full two years presumably to pursue higher learning that will redound to the good of the Department... so help us God ..... or like the last absence, she was forced to take a leave for health reasons. There were a number of times, the office had other bosses... not exactly a good time for me as the status quo was simply maintained and she was actually still running it by remote control ....

Still, there has to be some good arising out of this phase of my life.... nah ... Maybe, for the lessons of courage and patience it taught me .... and seeing how people you know for a long time evolved from being persons who are sensible to being trapped and helpless unable to distinguish between right and wrong that they allow themselves to be used under the cloak of law and order out of sheer fear of a backlash .......... some even would sell their souls .... just for a bite of power

This time that she is back gave me a much more firm resolve to get out of this office. That should be happening soon .... I did what I was told. It is time to get a payback ......

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February Quite Contrary

I was getting into the hang of things at the office even if there would be uneasiness at times ... Thrust into something I didn't feel so good about but need to do just the same.... a necessary evil so to speak .... this month zoomed so fast that it felt like I was being tossed around. What with the boss who is supposed to be sick wanting to call the shots every so often and undermining the authority ... on times, she would try to appear meek by telling her people that she was leaving things to me .... and will be back again sometime to wreck havoc on my leadership.... shouldn't she be in bed recuperating.... more importantly, shouldn't she be thankful that I took on a thankless job and am trying my darndest best to do whatever needs to get done without expectation of anything from her or anyone .....

She had the nerve to taunt my ability in pointing out to people I deal with, top officials included, what apparently does not sit well with her in one of my major assignments .... what compounds the situation is she would say it's not right but she couldn't pinpoint exactly why it isn't right to her. Ironically, we are making great progress on that work. It's probably hard for her to be out of the limelight on a major activity and is itching to get back in the limelight .... this is one big opportunity that she couldn't take advantage of.... so she had to create some noise...You know how some shallow people sound like empty cans .... I had to shut her off in some communication; on this one, in particular, when her only goal was to embarrass me. She was trying to paint a bad picture of how I was handling the job and wanted to appear more knowledgeable than what she really is at this point. Her people would give her feedback she'd like to hear, piecemeal at most, just to please her. She would shut up one time and then be back again.... as she couldn't make her mind whether she wants out or in or could she not just resist the urge to wield her power....She certainly knows I do not succumbed to threats nor am I about to bite into her trap ...

What is her problem anyway that she couldn't detach herself from this office!!!??? Reason dictates that she should just allow me to function well for the sake of the organization... Or is she afraid that I will succeed and create a ripple that could send her the shivers .... I am not after her position, stature, or power. It's just a job that I had to do .... and even if there is very strong resentment among her people towards me in this office, I would not want the office to fall just because of someone's pettiness ...

Her people is another matter that needs to be dealt with circumspect. They hate me to the bones. Why? I could only surmise that they are not happy about having less freedom in doing the things they love doing. Their perks were drastically cut which probably explains the uneasy silence. Income would be meager for the rest of my stay .... One of the runboys made the mistake of loudly asking if they have prepared their computation for their extra income. I was behind a cubicle.... suddenly there was silence... an average person would know even without seeing that the big mouth had been secretly silenced through sign language and meaningful stares .... talk about conspiracy .... and talk about being blatant ... tsk tsk ...

For the rest of the term, I did not receive any request for extra income or perks except from three of them... two are valid requests... except two of them were not entitled to it .... the other one requesting for accommodation had questionable entries... I did not want to meddle in their perks but I do not want my hands in there either... so I told them to claim those when the real boss arrives.... I must have earned enough hate points with that last shutdown.

About this time, the boss began making herself visible.... I would know because there were a few times she asked the driver to wait on her while she was officially on leave and even dispensing with the courtesy of asking me .... The poor driver's loyalty was put to test and I had to give way to make the situation less problematic for somebody without a real choice. I could have toughen my stance but it's not my job on the line. I don't want to do it at somebody's expense. How an official of her caliber can do such things no longer surprises me.

Also about this time, she came to the office, had a talk with the Big Boss and all of a sudden was out of a position she so very much cherished. The official press release was that she wants to work at a more relaxed pace ... But something doesn't quite fit in.... She was dying to have that position in the past .... what's with the turnaround.... and someone as harried as her living a relaxed pace.... cmon ... never happened ... never will happen ....

In the last week, I feel relatively at ease since nothing is pending... Normalcy in this chaotic place is about to be restored... I can honestly say I am pleased with myself, even feeling a sense of fulfillment, because I did the best that I could given the situation... everything that needs to be done is done .... more importantly, the time is almost done .... and I can't wait to go back to being a recluse ....

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Thy Kingdom Now and Thine New Royal Subjects

It has been sometime since I wrote about thine kingdom. It's time to update those who care enough to know the latest in this outlandish and misplaced haven of puppets.

First, there has been a big change from the first post.... some characters have gone to some other kingdoms for very good reasons....

First to fall were a number of fence sitters.... a former harassed subject of RB went to another office known for creativity .... not much was heard from her ever again as if she vanished from the face of the earth.... talk about not wanting to go back to one's past ... I wonder why .... heard that she's even went to some distant land where RB stayed for sometime .....

Two pawns and clappers went on to greener pasteurs.... One pursued higher education in a progressive Asian country and got a job there.... The other one got a job that she is best suited for and now shuttles back and forth between two urban cities ... there is no other way to go but out for them .... because had they stayed, they would remain to be the clowns they were doomed to be ...

Another fence sitter have gone and came back to her chagrin.... she would have loved not to make a MacArthur except that the subjects cannot find a suitable replacement to aggravate and aggravate some more .... she's back, she's back where she once belongs (give the Beatles credit for this).... so far, there appears to be no hope for a quick getaway .... poor her .....

Another fence sitter who at one time went with the scheme of things in thine kingdom; realized she could no longer take the aggravation, and left amidst the hoopla created by RB and her ilk painting her as an incompetent, bumbling, good for nothing and not to be missed scrap... this is what she got after she kowtowed to their whims for a time .... you see one of the lessons is you cannot be unloyal to them or you will suffer the worst fate... a number of former subjects including an ex friend of RB would learn this belatedly ... when suddenly, she realized it's too much for her.... she got this for wanting to get out of their claws....

There is No Balls who on the outside appears to have it all in his new assignment.... quite a huge office requiring not just brawn which he seems to excel in while he was in the kingdom as he was mostly assigned with physical tasks not requiring use of something up there .... not to worry about NB, with his ability to dance with the powers-that-be he went places literally and figuratively. He even mastered how to act like he knows a lot when the depth of what he knows goes only as far as ..... (ooops, my fingers seem not to cooperate in writing this portion).... Did I hear it right that he is unhappy in the new place because it appears he is being ostracized for not being the 'real' thing to be in that office .... I don't think he's missed here for the things he can do either... but he's a dealer and wheeler... that's why he would always have a place in RB's heart, I meant palace .....

The biggest lost is T ...... and the biggest loser is RB and her ilk .... heard that RB was devastated with T's departure .... who would not be when T was her top gun who would die for her. T was the ilk's savior when it comes to things that needed some greyish matter ....Well, to T's credit, she did go to some greener pasteur ...... for a while..... until she also departed (read: booted) after only a few months for reasons unknown.... heard that she's back within the Kingdom's peripherals serving another Royal Subject, an old friend of RB turned nemesis .....

That's about the movement in the old Kingdom ...... but there are interesting additions to the now revitalized Kingdom ....

Laughing Hyena ....can you imagine someone who breaks out in laughter as he consciously keep his ears glued to what's going on in every square meter of the Kingdom just when you thought he is busy working... whether he's involved in the conversation or not, he laughs his a-- like a hyena (This is the description of Tom Hanks's son in Sleepless in Seattle of the way his dad's girlfriend laugh). This fellow is the inspiration behind one of the salitongs. He's supposed to be Boy G ... according to the subjects because he's like a Ernie Baron .... G... , however, can stand for so many things .... tsk, tsk ...

Royal Swiney ... can be a handful, much more than a handful... a jolly good fellow to RB and her ilk... she's such a sucker for flattery that most of the time seems like a farce... so adept at getting RB's nod that she easily blended with the rest of the characters given the short time she's been in the kingdom and her relatively unsecured status.... she has adapted the ways of the subjects and has masterfully maneuvered her ways winning the heart of the Reyna....There is also a salitong for this character. She might be a potential T.... in the making .... she perfectly assimilated T's & RB's posturing when dealing with hapless employees of the Department who might be thinking she's some kind of a bigwig from her actuations as she milks them out for reports .... she has bigness in a much visual way accentuated by her fashion style.... my fave being her blue robe which make her seems like royalty .... hence, the moniker ... she is thinking more and more that she's heaven-sent to the Kingdom.... heard that she is not too happy about not getting a raise that she's soon departing .... so early in the game and greed is showing ... tsk, tsk ....

Outside the Kingdom, there are .....

Boylet 1 who always comes to the rescue everytime RB needs validation for all her dramas.... one guy who loves to hear the sound of voice and takes pride in unoriginal ideas that everyone in a gathering knows about ... has that expression of a permanent smirk used in a variety of situation to appear more knowledgeable than what really is the capability of his gray .... listen to him talk and draw your own conclusions ....

Boylet 2 is a clown who more and more is being sucked up by the power of RB and lately has been acting like a jerk .... he used to be like a breath of fresh air ... and was fascinated by sensible ladies... whatever happened to you?

Boylet 3 & 4 might just materialize soon .... still being molded and manipulated by the combined efforts of RB and Boylet 1 ..... heard that Boylet 3's cloning would soon be a reality ... In fact, Boylet 3 is already making his presence felt with all those mind-boggling orders ... when in fact, we all just want something that works .....duh ....

Dumb O is the accelerated heir of another kingdom who silently and willfully manipulated both upstream and downstream linkages to get to where she is right now .... in front of bigwigs, this being is courteous to a fault (this pretty much describe RB's Subjects because it seems like one).... heard how she showed her true colors in a Department they dealt with as this character lambasted the guards and an employee for turning off the lights during lunch time even as it forced its way inside the building .... going back.... a symbiotic relationship exist where one feeds on the other's ego and takes care of vested interests to their mutual benefit.... it seems that this Dumb O has developed the posture of real boss even if she has not been fully installed as one...

Like the rest, these new characters have been recipients of either or both generous monetary and latent benefits .... It may not be monetary but we know that the benefits of allowing thyself to be sucked by the system has far-reaching consequences specially if you are one so engrossed in the ratrace.... eventually, it all leads to hefty windfall ... Thus, it can concluded that it pays indeed to suck up and be eaten even by a rotten system.

Surprisingly, the subjects managed to find suitable replacements whenever their numbers are down. For those who are interested to be part of thine kingdom, below is the official process of trapping a prey, I meant hiring an applicant:

Briefly, the process of finding suitable replacement are as follows (The official process is followed by what is really going on):

1. Environmental scanning
Look for suckers.
2. Go through the hiring process
First opportunity to suck up and appear like the potential subject will bite into anything through tried and tested 'bait' questions.
3. Evaluation
The wheat is separated from the chaff. in all likelihood, the chaff will get the job of a lifetime. because the unwritten qualification is that the job requires someone who adheres to blind loyalty come what may.
4. Briefing for successful applicant
Start of brainwashing and cloning process.
5. Testing the waters
Check the new batch of suckers for any undesirable traits that may proved to be a problem later. Quash any foreseen problem ASAP. Dangle the carrot and show the stick briefly.
6. Immersion
Loyalty check of the suckers. Test if they are willing to 'die' for RB to be carried out by thy loyal subjects. If the answer is negative, immediately cut-off suckers who did not pass the test at this stage. But only after sweat, blood, and tears have been squeezed out and the unlucky chaff looks so helpless at this point.
7. Challenge to do Bigger and Better tasks
About this time, it is clear who took to the job so well and are ready to do as instructed. This is the time to test if they can be relied on to carry out dastardly acts. Success means being able to partake of the perks much like thine other royal subjects. The successful suckers are then given their place in the kingdom.

Recently, the kingdom has been very busy setting up traps, screening replacements for departed/departing subject/s ......

When these suckers had formed roots in the open ground, or kind of nursery where they were planted, they were looked over and the best taken up for potting.... Robert Fortune

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Incredible January

After the hoopla of the longest Philippine holiday, I was to get the shock of life delivered electronically via SMS by a top official of our department. I was on sick bay and trying to keep my mind off my ailment by staying on the net and talking with a friend on the phone at the same time. My celfone gave out that all too familiar sound of a text message received. I didn't check the message immediately as I was still on the phone, glancing at it only briefly and decided to put down the celfone as I wasn't sure what I read is true. I was probably hallucinating from the meds....

After I was done talking to my friend, I took a deep breath and looked at my phone again... and there it was ... a message that came like lightning in broad daylight... too far-out to believe... it sounded more like a joke... except that it came from a top official. I literally wanted to slap myself except that I was already fighting a bout of migraine... and any more toll could send me back to sick bed..... I had to put down my phone again...

After a few minutes and not wanting to keep our top official wait a minute longer for my reply, I texted back saying I'll see her the following day to talk about what she is asking me to be.... I didn't want to think about it that evening and slept early ....

Coming to work the following day, I was having mixed feeling alternating between excitement and ambivalence not knowing what to expect from my meeting with the top official. I was comforting myself thinking this is all just for exigency as they probably need someone to act as the alternative choice so that the actual choice would not appear too eager. I arrived in the office early and waited for the top official's clearance to go to her office. I cleared my mind as I was treading the familiar path to her office. There wasn't much funfare as she laid out what I knew already. I replied with a question asking who the alternative is. It's another director from another office, a good friend of my boss. Great, I thought for a while.... that means he's a shoo in. Except that the top official continued to talk about what needs to be done.... I had to ask another question... What's the alternative if I decline? There's none, she said.... crap!!! She asked why I would decline. I gave her the look saying you know why... At the back of my mind, it's like she's making me the cannon fodder in a fierce battle .... You know how top official with all their wisdom seems to make you feel like you cannot not accept what they lay on the table and make you feel guilty if you don't do as asked ..... saying she wants to test me given that I have not had that chance to shine in my own office ..... Well, what can I say.... I had to accept the responsibility reluctantly .... The only condition I laid was that it should not affect my request to be transferred... She said yes....

I came out of her office still in disbelief... .... I literally hit the ground running as I assumed leadership of an office because my boss had to go on medical leave with full knowledge that my boss's people hate me to death .... How can this happen to me??!!! As I ponder on this question, I realized that there are things to do and I should do it .... and they have no choice either.... they can hate me all they want but they still have to do the job.... I console my self with the thought that this is just a temporary set-up and I'll be back to my own world in no time .....

And that was how my life was transformed from being a recluse to one of being in the public eye ...and it was too an abrupt a change that it took sometime getting used to ... More top officials were getting in touch with me for so many things. In the first few days, I began feeling the weight of the responsibility... In fairness to the staff of this office, some of them delivered what needed to be done inspite of the animosity .... Over time, this animosity, would translate to poorly executed tasks in some instances with some of the 'mindless' members of the cult. I had to be very, very careful as I tread dangerous grounds .... just as they seem wary of the whole situation.... Even in her sickbed, the boss managed to make her presence felt with some distasteful messages sent to threaten or make life miserable. I cannot succumbed to such threats .... In some instances, I had to flex muscles. Otherwise, I just let it pass ....

The work was not the problem. There were loads but nothing that cannot be done using regular mental and physical exertion.... True that I moved out of my comfort zone but I had far more difficult and challenging tasks in the past ... Without meaning to belittle the assignment, it was no rocket science .... I am now wondering aloud how an office full of supposedly 'professional' staff can make such work appear so complicated requiring long hours at the office with some crankiness to boot on certain times .....

The problem was something else ..... and that was the reason I was hesitant about accepting this assignment ..... and our top official must have seen that in my eyes ....

A friend and former colleague of mine gave me a congratulatory message one day that sounded more like a jest.... After a few more bantering, he posed a challenge for me to prove to all that I have what it takes ..... And that was to be my life in the next 60 days or so ..... one tough balancing act ......

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My Unmerry December

Our 4-year old lab died on Christmas eve, a month after he fell ill due to a nerve problem. I accepted the fate that we would be caring for a disabled dog which may not be the same feeling that members of my household had.... While our boy helper was chiefly in charge of his care, I took a personal approach in overseeing his physical therapy. Aside from his disability, there was incontinence to deal with .....

There was emptiness when he died and I still hurt recalling how he waited to leave us until I saw him losing life that morning. At the same time, there was relief because my beloved lab would not feel pain anymore and will be where all dogs go.

Another unforgettable event was when MIL's disease became apparent after mixed emotions got the better of her as she excitedly prepared for the annual Christmas reunion of their family. She was unable to move her left foot and would drag it when she walks as she felt she made a spectacle of herself to everyone in the gathering. But that time, she completely lost her nerve and zest. She was in tears when she reached the dining hall with the assistance of her helper and her sons who encouraged and assisted her in alternately moving her feet.

When she got home, she was no longer the same jolly hopeful person who tried to make do with what she can. Instead she was falling down and can no longer stand up erect. She had to be assisted in getting to bed. Hubby and MIL went to the hospital the following day where she spent the entire Christmas holiday..... Initial tests showed that she has a tumor in the right side of the brain which explains the paralysis of her left leg. Later tests showed she has the Big C and the prognosis doesn't look good. The doctor was fortright with hubby and his brothers. The suggestion even more straightforward. MIL can no longer withstand surgery or radiation therapy. The best recourse is to keep her healthy enough to manage the disease as it progresses. The condition was not revealed to her knowing how she still want to live a few more years but I don't think she doesn't know what she already feels ....

The rest of the time, I tried to keep up with the usual Christmas gatherings with friends, colleagues, and some relatives. This is one Christmas, however, that drains emotions and made me switch from one extreme to the other ..... If I had a choice, I would just like to skip this month altogether .....

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