Woes of a Middle Child

Like a child, I read with glee the reply of MD to my retlet telling me she was so delighted with my letter and proudly showed my letter to her friends. Her friends think she took after me in the crazy department.

I thought that sibling rivalry is non-existent in my household as my kids get along pretty well..... Well, relatively.......... compared to me and my siblings when we were younger and even till now I guess. Although as toddlers, ED would manifest some insecurity after the birth of MD. As a toddler, I left MD with her Dad when I got a language scholarship for six months in Japan. When I returned, MS was born soon after. Among my children, MD would not sleep with me as long as the other two kids.

Inspite of this, MD grew to be a well-balanced lady, sociable and amiable; popular, responsible, and is often given a big responsibility in school. Contrary to the popular notion that the middle child tend to be less ambitious and confident compared to older sibling, MD seems to disprove this point as evidenced by her good showing in school. There would be ways where she and ED would differ. Between ED and her, she seemed to possess more leadership qualities evidenced by her holding responsible positions in their school. They went to the same school and comparisons cannot be avoided. Somehow, ED raised the bar for her siblings to follow in the smarts department.

Parents tend to be much more easy-going, less anxious, and less demanding with second and third children. Thus many middle children grow up with a more relaxed attitude towards life than their older siblings; though they have to compete for family attention against the milestones set by the oldest, and growing up in their shadow. Middle children have to try a little harder to “be heard” or get noticed. The middle child usually has to fight harder for the attention of their parents and therefore crave the family spotlight. They may feel that they do not get as much praise as the older children for simple firsts like tying a shoe or riding a bike. Those things just become expected.

In MD's letter to me, she was surprised that I am proud of her despite not getting the honor she deserved in her elementary years because of their dirty school politics. She figured in a controversy involving a classmate jeered by their entire class and she and another classmate were pointed to as the mastermind as reported by the mom of that classmate. MD denied she instigated the whole thing but admitted to being part of the class who jeered the classmate. Surely, she got it from me. In the aftermath, the teachers and the guidance counselor would gang up on my daughter and would make the incident part of her record. Upon knowing this, I would threaten the faculty members and the guidance counselor involved of reporting to the DepEd (formerly DECS) the impropriety of the action undertaken against my daughter and the other 'erring' classmate if the incident won't be stricken off my daughter's record. Prior to this, MD was a consistent awardee in both conduct and academics in all her elementary years except that last year. The teachers buckled but MD not landing in the honor roll was the repercussion. MD was ranked 16th. 15th is the last student qualified for honors and that would be the classmate who reported MD and her other classmate.

We have always told them them that the recognition is not the important thing as it is the manner by which they would strive to get the honor. In this, MD would always be an honor student to me as I told her in my retlet. It seems, however, that this unfortunate event would scar her for life as she related in her letter that she is trying her darndest best to land in the honor roll this time. She would stop short of apologizing for that 'finish' in her elementary years saying she's sorry she is not as good as ED. I think the retlet assured her that she will be the best for me no matter what.

It is not only with ED that she would compare herself. She would also apologize for not being as sweet as MS. Among the kids, MS would be very demonstrative with his affection especially when either I or Hubby is sick. Maybe, it's his being young that makes him more open to expressing his emotions. As children grow older, they become less demonstrative of their affection.

We have three children.......... we have an eldest, a middle child, and the youngest. I know but am not acutely aware of the differences in the my children because I thought we have always treated all of them equally... But maybe, we would favor the youngest one when it appears he's been 'bullied'. Don't parents all do that......... Come to think of it, even posts on my children are mostly about ED or MS. So I am guilty too.......

Middle children share the advantages of both the older siblings as well as the younger ones. They often become good mediators and negotiators. They are not the oldest, so they didn't have to live up to any expectations. They are not the youngest, so they are not bullied as much. They have the the best of both worlds.

MD's letter would somehow tell me that even in a fairly normal household, the middle child syndrome is a reality that parents must deal with. Unless we take heed of the musings of a middle children, they may take this a wrong signal from parents that not much is expected from them and they would live their lives feeling unimportant, neglected, and lonely. Such feelings can feed a feeling of inability to reach their full potential disabling them in reaching their goals.

The implications are much more great to the family and the society that they live in...... I am inclined to make MD not fall into the norm and make the MC syndrome non-existent in this household through thick and thin.

Related Posts:
What are the effects of ‘middle child syndrome’?
What is the middle child syndrome?
Is there Something Called the Middle Child Syndrome?
The Effects of Middle Child Syndrome
Birth Order