March 8 - 14, 2010: Trouble in Paradise

The start of the week did not foretell what was instore for the rest of the week...... I thought it was one of those weeks that would pass unnoticed..... It started slowly and build up sometime during midweek peaking in the weekend....

I sometimes like my week to be as uneventful as possible....just the usual routinary stuff that get us by through the week..... It may be boring but I am not jolted out of my wits in dealing with the unexpected. Most days, it's just like this.....uneventful...quite a drag actually..... But somehow in the commonplace, there are bound to be some things that are out of the ordinary and we are forced to react accordingly.....

Lately, I have noticed a considerable change in our boy helper. He has been slacking off... seems distracted too. Generally, his work leaves much to be desire. It's a constant source of frustration for me and he knows that.... I can tell from the way our pets behave and how our surroundings look like. I have been easy on him and his common law wife. They have been staying with us for the past four months after my boy helper had problems with his family. On those time he slips, I would call his attention, sometimes jokingly. Continued slippage would make me admonish him privately. At the start of his employment with us, he told us that we should just talk with him if we don't want something he did. I am a firm believer in the golden rule...that we should do unto others what we want others to do unto us..... Taking heed of his desire for respect in dealing with him, I try as much as possible to give that respect that I would accord to a fellow human being..... But lately, this hasn't work well.....

I have had this kind of talk with him a number of times... What will happen is he would shape up for sometime until it seems it was ok for him to go back to mediocrity.... I hate that.... It's like he's putting one over us. He's fully aware and he seems to have no problem going through the same old ways. I have had enough. So I called him sometime midweek and gave him the private talk which he, more or less expected, but seemed to avoid..... I asked him what his problem is..... He gave me the old worn-out excuse that his affairs are not in order and it is affecting him. He talked about his feelings that other people in my home are talking about him and his wife..... I told him everybody is talking about everybody and it should not be a problem if he feels confident there's nothing wrong with him.... He is probably not that confident. He was quiet most of the time we're talking. I am not sure if he was taking it to heart. I wasn't quite sure that I have achieved what I wanted to...... What I am certain is that some hard decisions must be taken.

Hubby and I have long been talking about a replacement. But there is the difficulty of finding someone, especially a male helper, who can be trusted. I have been privately scouting for one. Still, we were thinking about how best to approach this issue. We are not used to firing people just like that. We did it in the past for very serious infractions....

The week went quickly and soon it was the weekend. There was my usual share of household chores plus some errands.....

Having had a not so pleasant week, I decided to relax that Saturday evening.... I pour myself a glass of red and went to the study room and logged on the net. I wanted some cool music courtesy of my favorite music site, cool and smooth rhythms... I was chatting with new friends too. My best friend was also logged in and I was telling her to go to the site so we can share music and laugh. Then she asked if I have the time to talk....oooh.... That coming from a friend is a sure sign of trouble. I am not sure if I did something.... For her, I would drop anything.....

She started telling me how sad she is.... I did not have to ask as she was spontaneous. We would have this kind of talks.... She talks about wanting to come home and being with her family all the time. She has long been working overseas and her family is based here. It is tough for her especially when there are problems to deal with like right now. She told me that her son whom they are expecting to graduate would not be able to do so because of missed school requirements. They were blaming it on his friends and a new love. Then, she talked about their businesses which are not generating profits and had to be closed. She said she's drained and extremely stressed. I wasn't talking much but I felt for my friend. We have always been there for each other.

I told her there are things beyond our control. If going home is what she feels is right, then do it. I told her that I guess there's nothing that can be done about her son's failure that has not been done. It is time to move on. I added that some failures have to happen for the lessons it bring. I know where I speak of because I have failed students including graduating ones. I will do it again if I have to. It is not just because they fail to meet requirements but I believe that some lessons are best learned through failures. They may hate me at that point but in due time, I know that what becomes of them is their own realization of the lessons learnt. My friend agreed reluctantly..... I probably have no sense of what she felt when she got the bad news but I have had my own share of disappointments on the issue......

I asked about what happened to their donut franchise which has not even been a year old. She said operational expenses have been eating up the revenues. The business is located in a mall and part of the arrangement is a payment of a percentage of their sales in addition to the rental. The business couldn't cope up. They had to close it soon to cut their losses.

Their other business, a ticketing office, is doing fairly well. Recently, however, they had to settle with a client because they failed to deliver paid plane tickets causing cancellation of the planned trip. The ticket agent ran away with the money. The client was threatening them with a lawsuit. Her husband who is running the business is a trusting man and didn't bother to do background check.

She said she is going home and staying for a longer time to deal with all of these. I can only offer a small consolation in hearing her out. I cannot help her with her finances as I am probably in the same predicament..... I cannot reverse the fate of her son but encouraged her to move on and deal with him firmly but gently.... After sometime, my friend was talking about a new business being proposed by an angel investor to her husband. I cautioned her on some points on the business concept. She asked if I could meet up with them when she come home to give them some advice. That should not even be asked.... Of course, I'll find the time for that.... By this time, I felt some lightness in my friend. I guess the music can wait but some things can't..... She bade me goodnight after sometime.

I finally was able to put on my music and sipped the last of the wine..... It felt good.....

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March 1 - 7, 2010: Damage Control

Before things get anymore out of hand, I have decided to do some self-correction ASAP. The timing is perfect. It's the start of another month and a quarter is about to end. I need serious damage control if I have to take stock of my life..... Like making a new year's resolution, this is one tough act.... Prevention would have been better.... But the human in me is bound to make mistakes....my old worn out excuse.....So here I am correcting what could have been prevented....

This week, some corrections are in order in the way I do things. Again, I have been remiss on so many things...I have backlogs left and right, personally and professionally. I have been slacking off..... I should get hold of myself and start doing things as they are supposed to be done. Even the look of my desk appalls me..... I should start throwing some of those 'trash'..... whatever those heaps are must be disposed of, pronto....

I made small progress in school. I started organizing my thoughts and my ways to update my blog...making some small progress too..... Still, there are some more things that I am simply avoiding. I know I should deal with them.

Walking under a dark sky with the stars strewn all over somehow set the pace for the weekend that Friday evening.... I can feel my mortality amidst the darkness that engulfs whatever my eyes can see..... those little stars provide a glimmer of hope to an eternal optimist ........ I will rise above my own limitations....

The weekend was uneventful but just the same it is just so nice to enjoy the comforts of home unrushed, uncompromising, unpretentious........ and whatever ails me, home will always be my refuge......

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February 22 - 28, 2010: Coming to Terms

Mang Boy, my iron work contractor, is a kindly man with a pair of soulful eyes. I have been hunting him since last year for a small job contract.... I wanted my porch covered. He wasn't responding for a long time and when I finally caught him he said he was in the hospital. I tried to ask what it was about and he said it's his throat. I didn't think much of it but wish him well. I wanted him to recover because I don't want anybody else working in my home but people I have learned to trust and Mang Boy was among those.

Early this year, he finally appeared on my doorstep and immediately went about his business.... surveying, measuring, calculating.... I noticed though a considerable loss of weight which I told him. He just smiled. As a trusted service provider, I leave him on his own after I have given instructions. As he was doing his measurement of the dog cages, I curiously asked him what his ailment was. Like he wanted to lighten his load, he asked me back if I really wanted to know. I readily said yes. He said he's been diagnosed with cancer stage 4B.... a brief awkward moment and I can only give an awry smile upon getting this sad news. But it hit me immediately and I felt my eyes was hot and welling up a tear. I tried to fight it off.....

Mang Boy broke the awkward moment as he told me about the treatment and management of the dreaded C. He was upbeat and even optimistic that everything will go well. We continued talking ending up with my offer to go out on a dinner or lunch 'date' with him after his next chemo..... With that 'date' set sometime in the future, he went his way.

This week, Mang Boy was back to my home with his crew to work on the job order. He went about supervising his people on what to do before work is started. If I had not known that he is sick, I would not notice anything different about him. He is his usual self...... keen, focused, and determined. I would soon leave them to go to work. As I was walking on the road that early morning, I was thinking of Mang Boy and how he is dealing with the affliction. I have seen the dreaded disease up close, losing both my parents to it. Mang Boy is like everyone's father, uncle, brother, friend.... and I feel awful. But come to think of it, he was at my home dealing with the Big C in his way, in his own terms........ Why don't I simply take pleasure in the fact that Mang Boy has come to terms with his reality.

This week, I had to deal with my own reality too. School is starting another term. And so goes my happy hour and dreamy escapades into the night..... I would have to deal with my own reality. It is not as tough as the one faced by Mang Boy or other people similarly-situated but just the same I have to deal with it everyday for the next 14 weeks when the term is over. It helps that I was given two subjects I taught in the past. That would go a long way in easing the load. But come to think of it, the problem is not really the workload but in doing it. I have seen myself in better shape with insatiable appetite to get things done excellently. I seem to be losing that zest lately. I don't think it has something to do with ageing.... it's more than that.

In the weekend, another reality awaits me...... This one cannot be avoided. There are no short-cutting, compromises nor stalling people, things and errands around the house as it could have disastrous consequences. In this case, I cannot let off my guard. For as long as I know where my priority lies, then I guess my heart is in the right place..... It can't get any real than that......

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The Lessons of the Bamboo

One of the best tales I have read is that of the bamboo and the grass. Although the bamboo is part of the grass family, many of us cannot look at a bamboo and not think of it as some kind of a tree, weird as it is.

And so it was told that once there was a man who planted bamboo and grass on some land. After only a few days, the grass grew and within the next few weeks and months, the land became verdant. The man was pleased with th grass but quite disappointed with the bamboo which remained the shrub that it was when it was planted. It grew a little over the year but not enough to impress the man. The grass remained vibrant over the years. Then one day, the man would notice that the bamboo has become sturdy and has grown poles so tall and lush with green leaves. The story would conclude that all those time that the bamboo remained a bushy plant, it was actually growing its roots. As soon as it gained ground firmly embedded itself to the earth, there it was ..... a beautiful, sturdy, presence on the a green land. The man was finally happy to see both the grass and the bamboo fully grown on his land.

I have always loved bamboo for its nonchalant charm. The rustling leaves when the wind blows remind me of happier times when life was simple yet fuller. Seeing one allows me to travel back in time when summer was spent with my grandparents at this rustic place where I felt everything was so laid back.... As a child, I didn't want spending time in my mother's hometown but it was to be part of tradition and our escape from the scorching heat of the city..... probably my mother's respite from baby sitting her three grown children. My grandparents had no TV, stereo, or fancy food that we had anytime in the city. Everything we had to eat was food cooked by my grandmother. I would long for the hotdogs and other processed food as well as the sodas and ice cream. We had no toys but played games under the sunny or moonlit skies. I simply hated the laidbackness of provincial life.

But now, I have been given new eyes to view those childhood scenes...... and how I long to go back and once again taste my grandma's steaming rice and simple viand as my cousins and I gathered on her long dining table awaiting our hot meal........ Food was short but we were happy and contented, even competing for more portions of her simple fare. There, we would play hide-and-seek under the big starry skies. The dogs would be our running mates. We were reckless and would jump straight to the river from the bridge whenever we want to take off the heat from our sweaty bodies. Fruits were in abundance and accessible. We would climb trees not simply to get its fruits but just for the thrill of it. I got bruised, cut, hit my head, broke a bone, actually fell from a tree but nothing could deter us from enjoying those simple pleasures. Ah, those were the days..... and if I could only move back the hands of time.......

The bamboo is a gentle reminder of a time of my life long gone.......

About a year ago, our eternally evolving pocket garden was overhauled because of a drainage problem..... My insatiable desire to shake things up in the house came with the renovation of a pocket garden in addition to the drainage work. There were small patches of landscaping work. On two corners of the garden, I wanted bamboo plants or tree or grass....whatever..... My landscaper did as I wished.....

Like in the story, it took about a year until the bamboo would grow. In time, the bamboo would have sturdy poles and leafy growth all over, mostly on top. It actually reached my bedroom window that I would be able to touch its leaves. But there is one problem, only the bamboo on the right corner has really grown how it is supposed to be. The bamboo at the left side remained to be small...sure it grew some leaves but that was about it.

I was bewildered. Those bamboo, although planted apart, exist in similar conditions, and are provided the same care. Why would one grow and the other left behind? I don't understand..... and perhaps I never will...... Months passed and the bamboo that grew continued to develop sprouts which would later become poles. We would be cutting some of the poles to prevent the bamboo from spreading out further in that corner. Still, the other bamboo remained little.... that I would forget about it.......Until recently when my eyes were drawn to the spot where the little bamboo is..... I noticed that it has grown compared to how it was a year ago. The leaves are beginning to come out too.... Could this be the start of its full blooming?

I don't know.....

Nothing is set out or laid out for us. There are no perfect moments....... just opportunities to seize at any given time. And some people and maybe even things can find that opportunity to make things happen. It can be through a gentle nudging or a violent shaking; some provocation or a sudden realization imploring us to act swiftly to seize the moment.

And so it is with my tiny bamboo. My constant rambling must have shaken the earth that holds the tiny bamboo.... Just yesterday, I saw a sprout and what could be the beginning of a pole....

And my bamboo might have finally came to seize its moment... It is its time.... and like any other occurrences in my life, I would learn from it.....

I should not be comparing...... I was thinking these two bamboo are living in similar conditions and expected to get the same outcomes....it is not to be..... How can I missed that even siblings raised in the same home would each have their own unique personalities..... I should just learn to appreciate each one's uniqueness. Besides, we end up frustrated when we fail to get what we expected.

In all things, patience is a virtue. I should keep in mind that answers to our most fervent wishes come at the right time in accordance with God's perfect plan..... I should not be questioning that.

From now on, I will let my tiny bamboo draw into its own strength to deliver its promise..... no rush. I will be patiently waiting for that moment when your sturdy pole with your leafy top will be the view that would greet me as I clear my mind in solitude from my bedroom window.

My bamboo will a constant reminder that hope springs eternal.......
Related Posts:
Bamboo Fiber and Bamboo Bedding
The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter

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February 15 - 21, 2010: Make or Break

With not one but two major holidays, rather special days, falling on a weekend, how could I have the appetite to go to work the following day? I had to drag myself to work on that Monday....

This week, I figured I could lay low a bit. It was a loaded weekend, two holidays remember....... besides, it's term break......... most of the leeches are out there somewhere......... a good thing really..... there's peace and solemnity......... Just perfect for listening to some good music.........And I am ready to grab my headset and lose myself.... while working of course.........

This is a critical time for me as well. Work beckons with test papers and requirements to check and evaluate. There are too many distractions and I couldn't set my mind to work. It seems that last week's episode is repeating itself. I couldn't get my momentum. I want to flagellate myself for this inactivity. Days passed and nothing substantive has been done. On the very last day of the week which is also my deadline in submitting the grades, I crammed preparing the grades of my students. It's make or break for my students as well as for me. I have to make it to school today to submit the grade. It might have worked well for my students as I didn't have to review the grades too much. Unlike in the past, when i had to sleep over it before i make the final decision. I can feel the tension on my neck and back when I printed the file just before I left the office to go to the school..........history repeated itself.

I made it to school but the staff have already gone when i got there. I texted our administrative head about my dilemma. She called the building guard and gave instruction so that I could leave the file and the books I borrowed with him.

I had to wait for ED coming from her school. I decided to take a bite at the Mini Stop in front of the school and gave way to my craving. Soon enough, ED arrived and we went to the shuttle terminal. She was starving too and I told her about the new food kiosk at the terminal serving tapsilog atbp which has recently been added to my craving list. My kids somehow took after me in having simple pleasures. Recently, I introduced them to Burger Machine which now boasts of several types of burgers as a product innovation. But some of the old products we enjoyed in the past like the roast beef sandwich is no longer in its menu. But their new burgers with the different sauces are good and filling.

With both of us satiated, we headed home. As I rested my head on my soft pillow, I could almost dream about how my weekend should turn out......... and I can tell it's going to be one restful weekend for me........

On Sunday, I went to see one of my beloved pups join her new family....... it was a bittersweet parting..... I do know she's in good hands.....

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February 8 - 14, 2010: Finding Love on Chinese New Year

This is a week anticipated by lovers and the Chinese. Valentine's day and the Chinese New Year both fall on February 14. Is it purely coincidental that these two major events would fall on the same day, a Sunday? Or was it written in the stars that on this day, lovers and people from the Sino race would celebrate in jubilation?

It happens to be finals week in school too. The students would labor hard to make it past this term......... Would they or will we see each other again next term? I sure would love to see them again but not repeat the same things I taught. That would mean I failed. In my earlier years as a teacher, I used to take pride in the fact that a student's future hinges on my mood when I reckon who is supposed to make it and who did not get it. I mellowed a lot over the years. Experiences have taught me to use the heart more than the head in most cases. That seem to work both ways. The students are happier. I am less stressed out too.

Preparing the final exams proved to be the hurdle. I am so distracted and disrupted by this cool music site I discovered recently that work suffers. Suffice it to say that I crammed big time preparing the exams for my students. At one point, I just had the exams freshly out of my printer as I was about to go to school from the office.... bad, bad, bad! I used to be ready with the answer key to the exams before I give the exams to my students. This time, I was lucky to have finished drafting the questions. I got to review them as I was giving the test and I had to correct some entries........ really bad!

Addiction (to music this time) is again eating me up. Music soothes and heals. But it can also eat up time otherwise devoted to productive pursuits. Like my other 'vices', this will be contained soon....

It was supposed to be TGIF but here I was at school watching over my flock. They wanted to extend the time indefinitely........ I wanted to relent. But there are limits to a man's capacity..... On their own, the students submitted their test papers to me letting me know that is the best that they can do under the circumtance. The week ended just when the last of my students reluctantly handed me her test paper. I was just happy to go home.

I had to meet up with ED who watched the musical, Rent, with her classmates at nearby RCBC Plaza. I was starving and we had to take dinner at North Park, one of the few restos still open at that hour. It's quite a surprise considering that it's a Friday before Valentine's Day.

Getting home was the only place I want to be after filling up my stomach. The travel didn't take long but it was almost 1:00 am when we got home. We actually arrived the next day, eve of two major celebrations.

Sunday is awaited by everyone. It's a red letter day literally..... which is the color of love and the lucky color for the Chinese people too.

To the whole of Christiandom, it's a day of obligation.

Happy Hearts' Day to lovers and all those who loved, are in loved, and are longing for love. The last category might have the most members....

GONG XI FA CAI!!!
2010 is the Year of the Tiger, also known by its formal name of Geng Yin.

Related Posts:
Chinese New Year
Online Chinese Astrology
The History of Valentine

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We Are What We Are

Many times we find ourselves asking the question "Why are we stuck with some of the people we have in our lives?" We have them by affinity, association, or consanguinity. Certainly, life would be a lot better if they are not part of it..... Of the 6,800,000 or so people in this world, again I ask, "why, oh why, must we be stuck with them!".

Unfortunately, we don't really have a choice in some cases. So grin and bear, we must ... We have to share this world with them even if we feel that the world would be a better place without such creeps....... Some are not really creeps but just the same, they get into our nerves.

I have quite a few such associations.... and it's irritating to have these kind of people in your life particularly when they are so close to home. It can start harmlessly...... some casual conversation could actually lead to more sharing of thoughts which could be misinterpreted into 'closeness' that could lead to unsolicited advising.... which I loathe especially from people whose opinion I don't value and most especially because they are not well-meaning people. They love to know every tiny little detail of your life, nitpick, and over-analyze even the most inconsequential. They have an interpretation for anything. People with nothing better to do, do this all the time....

In a seminar on midlife crisis I attended last year, the resource person said that we will lose friends and some other people in our lives simply because we would outgrow them. I think that if I have not outgrown them, I am simply tired of their ways....and they cannot probably come to terms with that fact that they have been outgrown. They remain in the quagmire that they have always stayed in without any hope of ever getting out. They are envious, gossipy, resentful,and always on the look out for anything that can destroy people.... Some of them are supposed to be our elderly........ One such person would tell me that ED is like an elderly for being reserved and would show irritation over MS because being a kid, he was all over the place. The same person would proudly tell me that a grandchild was reassigned in the field and would be getting a raise. She added, however, that this grandchild is not used to working hard (the exact term in the vernacular is "di sanay mahirapan")...... I think the person just meant to say that since they are wealthy, the kid does not have to strive and work hard. If these are the kind of values they are teaching their youngsters, I am proud of my introverted and hyperactive kids who know the value of work and sacrificing to get what they want and certainly know that money is not everything.

Another variation to these type of people are those who want to talk about themselves painting for them a picture bigger than who they really are and catapulting themselves to a place that they think is rightfully theirs.... They like to feed on their own low self-esteem that constantly need affirmation.... They talk about their enormous wealth, travels, and latest acquisitions in front of a captive audience. There's nothing wrong with that except when that is the only thing that they can talk about. Let me tell you it's tacky and uncalled for...... Wealth is something that is best not flaunted. Flaunting wealth is evident among the so called "new money". My son has the right term for them.... boasts........ They boast to anyone, willing or unwilling, thinking that everyone is impressed by the object of their conceit.

My family is not used to this kind of cheap talks where a boast would monopolize a conversation in a captive (or is captured more apt) audience. We cannot be found in a table of suckers and victims forced to listen. Or in the unfortunate event that we find ourselves caught, we will find a way to get out of the situation as quietly as possible. Because we cannot be part of your captive (captured) audience whenever you want to boast, doesn't mean we are rude. We will stay as long as we can but not forever. Quite frankly, we don't mind nor care about the color of your fleet of vehicles or how much you reward your kids with an insane amount of money. Don't feel slighted when we leave the floor when we couldn't stand your insensitivity and rudeness for holding people captive as you brag. Don't make an issue out of it and talk about us like we wouldn't know because you pass on your concocted story to people like you who will keep on passing it to make sure it reaches us.

We are what we are.........because we are real....You're not forced to accept us for what we are, warts and all, .......... but live and for once, try letting others live in peace......

It's sad that wisdom does not necessarily come with age.... or wealth. Even with the experiences afforded by getting older, not all become wiser. Even if resources are available to improve one's mental and emotional being, some do not simply have it in them to learn the ways of the wise.

If you feel you are being alluded to by this post, you are probably right. Yes, it's you and you know who you are.... If I happen to hit a sensitive chord in you, apologies but I am not taking anything back..... If you happen to feel insulted and decide to get out of our lives..... good riddance...... It's probably for the best. Try to breathe because you are gasping for being so full of ourselves..... For once, stop living in your Nirvana and be real....
Apologies for the the anger in this post..... It's just that I have to ventilate...

Related Post:
How to Deal with Criticism and Critical People

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